Bruce Penton: The year’s best quips, quotes and chuckles
By Bruce Penton
Notes and anecdotes from the first six months of a year to forget, 2020:
Blogger Eric Stangel, after the Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole for $324 million over nine seasons: “The Yankees also announced that beer at the stadium will now cost $734.”
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “This is the Year of the Pig, according to the Chinese calendar, though one could argue that Russian doping and the can-banging Astros make it seem like the Year of the Cheetah.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach, after a Patriots video crew violated league policy while taping at the Browns-Bengals game: “They say they weren’t spying, they were just putting together a blooper reel for the NFL Christmas party.”
RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Police in China have used an unusual method to try to slow down speeders — cardboard cutouts of squad cars. They were inspired by the Cincinnati Bengals defence.”
Headline at Fark.com: “Rendon joins the Angels, but in the good way.”
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on Twitter: “Halftime security alert from the Capital One Orange Bowl: When leaving tonight's game and headed to your car, if you hear someone say, ‘What's in your wallet?’ — chances are you are being robbed.”
Tottenham coach Jose Mourinho, to reporters, after getting booked by referee Mike Dean during a 1-0 loss to Southampton: “I clearly deserved the yellow card, as I was rude. But I was rude to an idiot.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Iran launched 20 long-range missiles at two U.S. bases but did not hit any key targets. We're calling it Operation New York Knicks.”
Janice Hough, from leftcoastsportsbabe.com: “Possible 2020 slogan for Baltimore Orioles — ‘We’ve been so bad, you KNOW we’re not cheating’.”
Headline in the Houston Chronicle: “Caught stealing.”
Jim Barach again, after Tusk IV, the Arkansas Razorbacks’ former live mascot, died at age 10: “The autopsy report came back as ‘delicious.’ ”
Another one from Barach: “The identity of the Hall of Fame voter who snubbed Derek Jeter may never be known. Although it can be narrowed down by finding out who had the ballots that were cast in Boston.”
Vancouver’s Torben Rolfsen (Twitter: @vanguy), on the NFL draft planned (pre-COVID-19) for Vegas, with the stage set in the middle of the Bellagio fountain and the players being ferried to the stage by boat: “The Detroit Lions war room can be decorated in a Titanic theme.”
Jim Barach again, on why 70-year-old manager Dusty Baker appealed to the Astros: “At his age he is too old to know how to work any electronic equipment newer than a VCR.”
Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on Twitter, as the Super Bowl game ended: “Now comes the hard part — carrying Andy Reid off the field.”
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on speculation Tom Brady could sign with Tampa Bay: “Not to be mean, but putting Tom Brady on the Bucs would be like putting the Mona Lisa in Room 217 of the Red Roof Inn.”
Michael Rosenberg in Sports Illustrated, reviewing sports over the past decade: “The 2010s were a wild decade in sports — nobody knew what was coming, except the Astros.”
Brad Dickson again: “This is Week Two of the XFL. Who could have even imagined that the league would last this long?”
Greg Cote again, on NASCAR's Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead. “Hmm. Should a bunch of guys driving 180 mph in heavy traffic be sponsored by vodka?”
Kent Somers of the Arizona Republic, on Cardinals’ coach Kliff Kingsbury spending $4.5 million on a home in Phoenix after moving from Lubbock, Texas, where he coached Texas Tech: “For $4.5 million in Lubbock, you can buy Lubbock.”
NOT SportsCentre, on Twitter: “BREAKING: The NFL has announced it is cancelling the Detroit Lions. Roger Goodell: ‘It’s nothing virus related, we just felt it was a good opportunity to put them out of their misery.’”
Jim Barach again: “The NBA has suspended its season because of coronavirus. This would really be a bad time to bring back the old slogan ‘NBA fever...catch it!’”
Golfer Shane Lowry, on the 2020 Open Championship (from golf.com): “I guess if they do call off the Open, I will get to be Open champion for two years and I will have to go celebrating again.”
From various Twitter sources: “Day 2 without sports. Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.”
From @GaBoy_Shockley on Twitter: “Day 6 no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”
Dickson again: “Right now my thoughts are with the elderly. But enough about Tom Brady leaving New England.”
George Fox assistant professor John Spencer, via Twitter, advocating for 10-foot social distancing: ”If you’re wondering how far that is, picture a Bears wide receiver and then imagine where (Mitchell) Trubisky actually threw the pass.”
Headline at TheOnion.com: “Quarantined umpire cleans his entire home with tiny brush.”
Texas pro Mancil Davis, who has 51 career holes-in-one but has gaps in other parts of his game, especially off the tee: “I hit my irons like Doug Sanders, and my driver like Colonel Sanders.”
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on NFL commissioner Roger Goodell conducting the draft from his basement: “This might be the first draft at which the commissioner’s podium will feature drying laundry.”
From fark.com: “The 2020 Western Hockey League draft reveals positives and negatives. The positive: The virus of Brayden has passed its peak. The negative: It has mutated into variations of Hayden, Aiden, Kaden, Jayden, Grayden and (deep breath) Teydon.”
Dwight Perry again: “The Miami Dolphins just paired a new jersey number with their touted rookie QB, and let’s just say Lawrence Welk fans couldn’t be happier. It’s a 1 and a Tua.”
Another one from RJ Currie: “A Chinese man reportedly invented a car that can run on wind. A tentative name was Feng Chezi, which roughly translates to Don Cherry.”
Alex Kaseberg again, on Twitter: “Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle. Please, please tell me that makes him Duke Mookie.”
Shannon Szabados on Twitter: “Happy the NHL will be back, but without fans how do we expect players to know when to shoot the puck? How will opposing goalies know they suck?”
Great line from Dwight Perry: “This year’s John Deere Classic, scheduled for July 9-12, has been cancelled due to the coronavirus pandemic. In lieu of a news release, the PGA Tour announced the breakup in a John Deere letter.”
RJ Currie again: “The PGA cancelled the July, 2020, John Deere Classic due to the coronavirus pandemic. Yes, Dear — No Deere.”
Greg Cote again: “A bat used by Lou Gehrig sold for $1 million. There is only one baseball bat in the world worth $1 million. It’s the one with a cheque for $999,000 taped to the barrel.”
Dave Spect, via Facebook, after the girlfriend of Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge asked officers ‘Do you know who my boyfriend is?’ when she was arrested for DUI: “Soon she’ll know two judges.”
Former Leaguer C.J. Nitkowski, on Twitter: “My wife had an odd way of comforting my son after a rough pitching outing yesterday. ‘Well, at least you still get to live in our house. When Dad pitched bad, we usually had to move.’”
Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “Social distancing will not interrupt the gluttony and star-spangled grossness of Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest. Contestants will be at least six foot-longs apart as they set out to determine who will be this year’s wiener.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca