Growing Through Grief
By Angela Clement
If you are reading this you likely have lost someone you love or you know someone who has lost someone they love. If you haven’t yet, you will. There is no doubt that in your lifetime you will experience some type of loss. When we experience loss, we experience grief. No one wants to talk about grief. It is the elephant in the room. It’s something we as society shove under the rug and try to pretend is not there.
When we lose someone that is close to us our whole world changes. Everything as we knew it completely falls away and we are left to try to make sense of it all. Unfortunately we often end up trying to do this alone. Why? Because grief is hard and it is painful. No one wants to even look at it or talk about it little own experience it.
It’s not that people don’t care about the people they see grieving. They absolutely do. They usually just can’t stand to witness it because they don’t completely understand it and quite frankly they don’t want to. I know, because I was that person. Until last year.
In January of 2021 my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. After 10 months of chemotherapy, hospitals and so much emotional upheaval he lost the battle and I lost my devoted partner of 35 years. My husband, Blaine, ran a cow/calf operation pretty much all his life and he had just sold the ranch to live his best life in retirement only to have it cut short.
The grief hit hard and for the first few months. I plowed through all the business end of wrapping up his life on earth and I stayed what we call “strong”. It is something that we as a society just expect. We tell each other to stay strong, that time will heal our wounds, that we just need to stay busy and that our loved ones are in a better place. I listened because after all, I spent almost my entire life in education. I knew how to listen and do things right! Well I am here to tell you when you are grieving, none of that is helpful.
When I look back on all the losses in my life I see how afraid and confused I was about the whole process of grief. I had no idea what to do, how to feel and certainly no clue as to what to say in those circumstances. I watched the people around me to get ideas about what should be said, done and how it all should be approached. What I learned from these experiences would never prepare me for my loss. Never in a million years. Why? Because what I was witnessing was a lot of people who were just as afraid, confused and bewildered as I was. It was like the blind leading the blind!
Now the people who have gone through a great loss understand the pain. We all face loss a little differently and the loss we feel is unique to the relationship we had with that person. I spent almost every day with my husband for over 35 years. Accepting that kind of loss was almost more than I could bear. I needed help and thank goodness I found it. If you are grieving I am here to tell you that there is hope to live a life of joy again. I am living proof of that. Grief is no longer the elephant in the room for me. Grief is my friend. It is my reminder that life is short and that love is all that matters. What I am learning is that we have a choice to grow through grief and that is definitely something worth talking about! Let’s start a conversation about grief. We are all going to have to go through it. Knowing what to do with it when it comes your way will change everything!
You can reach Angela at aclementvm@gmail.com.