Growing Through Grief: How are you really doing?

By Angela Clement

If you are someone who is grieving you have probably just come through a really tough round of emotional days and nights. It is a happy and jolly and festive time of year and there you are just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I get it. I was there too! I used to wonder when I would ever be happy again. Could I ever celebrate the New Year again and look forward to what was ahead? It is hard to imagine happiness without our loved ones beside us like they used to be.

Has anyone ever asked you how you were doing after you have lost a loved one? What did you say? Often when we are grieving we just know that people don’t want or need to hear how we are really doing and so we will reply with the usual response which is “fine”, “OK” or “good". It is just easier than trying to explain how we are truly feeling, sometimes we don’t even know ourselves and quite honestly we know others don’t really want to hear about our sadness or our painful moments. Not many ever want to sit with you in your emotional pain.

Have you ever thought about answering honestly? How do you measure how you are doing? I have noticed that a lot of people who are grieving gauge how they are doing by how much they cry. I did this too! If I was crying a lot, well I wasn’t doing very well. If I had a day where I didn’t cry, well I was doing better. If someone cries a lot at a service or out in public we say they aren’t handling the loss. When they don’t cry and they are keeping really busy we say they are doing really well.

Now crying is one way of releasing emotion but it is not a way to gauge how well you are handling your grief. Let me explain. There are several healthy ways to express your emotions after a loss. We call this mourning. We can do this by drawing, exercising, painting, journaling, dancing, crying and so many other ways. There is no right or wrong way to express the internal process of grief that is going on inside of us. There is no right or wrong time to do it either. We have to decide what works best for us. Crying is a very common way to express our grief. It is not a measure of how we are doing.

We often judge ourselves and feel guilty about our crying. We think that we should be doing better. When we cry in public we say “sorry”. We feel bad about crying. We try not to cry. We are successful for a while, but the emotions build up and eventually we might end up crying again. It is a vicious circle and it will continue until we put a cog in that cycle.

I have learned over the past two years to set a little time aside each day in the morning and in the evening to check in with my emotions. I do this because I get busy and my emotions sometimes are riding under the surface of my consciousness. I take some deep breaths and I take inventory about what I am feeling physically as well as emotionally. I spend some time leaning into that and if I feel like crying, well I do that and there is no judgment that goes with it. Crying is like a medicine that helps us heal. It is a special balm to help heal a wound. It is something to welcome and to allow. It is one way I take care of me.

Next time someone asks how you are doing, tell them honestly but don’t base it on how much you cry. Base it on your overall being and wellness in that moment. Don’t judge yourself in how you process your grief. Allow it to take place naturally. If you need help or support, please reach out. Sign up for my newsletter at www.healingenergy.world. Sending lots of love, Angela.