Growing Through Grief: Reflecting on the Year
By Angela Clement
This coming week on October 26th will mark one year since my best friend and husband of 35 years made his transition. It is also his birthday on October 27th. It seems like a fitting time after one year to honor him as the devoted partner, father, family member and friend that he was and to remember all that he gave to us all. It is also a time to reflect on the past year and celebrate how we as a family have moved forward, as hard as it was, and have started to move on despite the devastating loss.
I am okay. I have built a new relationship with Blaine. Everyday I feel his presence. When I am nervous or afraid I call on him along with my guides, helpers and angels to help me and they always come through. I see the signs he sends me. I know how proud he is of me and the kids. We are doing our very best to live our lives to the fullest, the way he would want us to. Sometimes I am very sad and sometimes I am extremely happy. I have realized that I can be both and have learned that one does not have to take away from the other. In fact in this way, life has gotten very rich. I am getting more comfortable with any emotion that arises and realize that none of them stay. They are ever changing.
I just know Blaine is always watching me and I smile when I think about what he thinks when he sees his naturally introverted wife having to meet and talk to new people everyday. He was the social one and I loved just listening to him visit. He was always teasing and I loved that about him. I can hear his voice in my head and I can feel the warmth in my heart. I sometimes treat myself to his favorite foods and drinks. I talk to him pretty much every day. I can feel him now as a part of me and he goes with me wherever I go. I call on him whenever I want and as time goes on and as I am able to release the pain, I feel closer to him.
I am learning not to worry about what others think. They don’t know our story and they cannot possibly understand my unique experience because everyone goes through grief in a different way. I make a conscious effort to let go of any anger, regret, guilt or anything else that is holding me back. I let the pain go so I can open my heart and feel the love. I once felt so alone but I have learned that I am never alone. I want so much to continue to make him proud by living my life for me.
I recall the first few months after he passed away and how amazingly slow they went. It was incredible how time almost stood still. The burden of grief is a heavy one and it seemed there was no way to continue on and ever feel any sense of happiness again. I looked around me and I saw everyone else getting on with their lives. I felt like no one knew or understood my pain. It was gut wrenching. How would I ever go on?
Looking back I realize the pain was my resistance to emotion. Each time a strong emotion would arise, I had to feel it and get curious about it. I would notice what sensations I could feel and where in my body. I got myself a grief coach and took sessions with healers. I wrote about everything that I was thinking and feeling, I cried, walked, sat in the trees and I let go the very best I could. I realized that paying attention to my thoughts and being very kind to myself was important and so I practiced that.
I am still learning and growing and facing my fears. I embrace what is to come with courage, new tools and a new perspective. I am realizing that this is my life and it is beautiful, even in grief … especially in grief.
Angela can be reached at aclementvm@gmail.com