Penton: Best of the best from 2024
By Bruce Penton
A selection of the best quips and quotes from January through June, 2024. (Part II next edition).
Hockey broadcaster John Shannon in pre-game chat when Connor Bedard met Connor McDavid in Edmonton for the first meeting between the two NHL superstars: “It’s 97 vs. 98 in a city made famous by 99.”
Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “Is Easton Stick a starting quarterback with the Los Angeles Chargers or is it in my garage, beside my frozen hockey bag?”
Headline in The Beaverton, after free-agent Shohei Ohtani shunned the Blue Jays and signed with the Dodgers: “Inspiring: This man isn’t locked into a long, expensive contract with Rogers.”
RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “North Pole police have finally cleared Santa’s head elf of charges of careless use of a firearm. Authorities admit mistakes were made after finding a cartridge in a pear tree.”
Former Oilers’ coach John Muckler, quoted in Steve Simmons column in the Toronto Sun, about those great Gretzky-Messier-Coffey-Fuhr teams of the ’80s never winning nine or more in a row: “Those ’80s teams couldn’t go nine games without finding a party.”
Super 70s Sports, in the aftermath of the $700 million Shohei Ohtani signing by the Dodgers, ran a picture of actor Lee Majors and said: “The Dodgers could’ve built 116 bionic men instead.”
Late night funnyman Jimmy Kimmel, carrying on the public feud with NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers: “Rodgers got two A’s on his report card, and they were both in his first name.”
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “Is it time for Jacksonville Jaguars fans to come to the realization that Trevor Lawrence is much closer to being Jon Kitna than John Elway?”
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: “Miami TE Cam McCormick, due to various injuries, COVID, and transferring, was just granted his ninth year of eligibility for college football. Maybe it will improve Cam's draft stock. How many rookies reduce their team’s costs by being eligible for Medicare?”
Another one from Currie: “At the Aussie Open, American Coco Gauff will open the tournament in a one-sided affair. She's up against Slovak Anna Karolina Schmiedlova, whom she trails 23 characters to nine.”
Nora Berry: “Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.”
Pro golfer Tommy Fleetwood, quoted on @PGATour on X, after reportedly turning down $75 million to sign with LIV: “My future is too bright to just throw it away. I don’t want to ruin my reputation … my name is Tommy Fleetwood, not Cam Smith.”
RJ Currie again: “I imagine it must be tough for Saskatchewan curling fans to cheer Mike McEwen, longtime arch-rival from Manitoba, suddenly skipping a Saskatoon-based team in 2024. Call it sweeping with the enemy.”
Super 70s Sports again: “One of the absolute best baseball stats is that father and son Cecil Fielder and Prince Fielder are tied on the all-time home run list with 319 dingers apiece.”
Will Knights of Fried Egg Golf, on the spectacular putting display of Wyndham Clark during his round of 60 at Pebble Beach: “At times it felt like he was putting into a hole the size of Phil Mickelson’s ego.”
Mike Bianchi again: “A 16-ounce can of beer at the big game in Vegas cost $18.90. The only people who can afford those kinds of prices are Taylor Swift, LIV golfers and Georgia football recruits.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “At one point 200 million people watched the Super Bowl. Imagine how many it would have been if they weren't airing a curling game at the same time?”
Headline at theonion.com: “Chiefs Walk Six Miles To Game After Bus Driver Refuses To Pay $125 For Stadium Parking”
Jim Trotter of The Athletic, after the Waste Management Open in Phoenix turned into a drunken debacle: “The Waste Management now resembles the Wasted Management.”
Another one from Alex Kaseberg, after Canadian swimmer Betty Brussel set records in the 100-to-104-year-old age class in Saanich, B.C at the age of 99 (turning 100 in July): “This beats the previous record of drowning.”
RJ Currie again: “Five reasons why TV ratings for the Brier rose 13 per cent and why TSN says it’s one of their most popular sporting events: 5. Curling is a good draw; 4. The Brier does well in the sweeps; 3. It’s great with takeout; 2. The game has a peel; 1. The action is end to end.”
Retired NBA great Shaquille O’Neal: “I don’t believe in pressure. Pressure is when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from.”
Another one from Super 70s Sports: “On this day in 1994, the Penguins score a big win on ‘Davy Crockett Coonskin Cap Night’ — hang on, being told that’s just Jaromir Jagr's hair.”
Sean McIndoe of The Athletic, in a story about some of hockey’s unwritten rules: “Unwritten rule No. 14: When somebody shoots the puck over the glass, everyone has to stop and wave their arms around like first-graders who just realized they have to go potty.”
From someone named Jeff on X: “Welcome back to SportsCenter presented by ESPN Bet. For more on the Shohei Ohtani interpreter gambling situation we go to our FanDuel MLB Insider Jeff Passan at our DraftKings Studio in Los Angeles brought to you by Caesar’s Sportsbook. Jeff, how could something like this happen?”
RJ Currie again: “Team Canada beat Team Switzerland to win the women’s curling championship. Just for the day, they should change the national anthem to ‘O Canada, our Homan native land.’
Augusta National chairman Fred Ridley, saying the 12th hole will never be lengthened, as suggested by 2000 champ Vijay Singh: “That’s almost like asking, you know, can we touch up the Mona Lisa a little bit.”
One more from RJ Currie: “Tiger Woods says if everything comes together, he believes he can win another Masters. He got me so fired up I sent another set of marriage proposals to Ann Hathaway, Margot Robbie and Gal Godot.”
Comedy guy Steve Burgess of Vancouver, on the eve of the Canucks-Predators NHL playoff series: “Vancouver doesn't churn out insipid, formulaic country music, so I don't see why Nashville should dabble in hockey.”
Steve Burgess again, being vindictive: “The Leafs are out. The Jays are losing. Drake’s beef is not going well. Sucks to be you, Toronto.”
Canada’s satirical website, the Beaverton, after coach Sheldon Keefe was fired: “Maple Leafs begin search for new scapegoat.”
From a British football humour site: “At a recent World Cup of soccer, the English team visited an orphanage: ‘It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,’ said João, age 6.”
R.J. Anderson of CBS Sports, on the rebuilding Los Angeles Angels: “Unfortunately, they are a few years away from being a few years away.”
Bob Molinaro of pilot online.com (Hampton, Va.): “For those competing in the July 4th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, the banishment of multiple champion Joey Chestnut for endorsing plant-based dogs doesn’t change the nature of the gluttonous competition. It’s still wiener take all.”
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