The best quips and quotes from the sports world in 2023: Part 2
By Bruce Penton
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on the Oakland A’s proposed move to Las Vegas: “A’s will sell out every game in LV, as long as seventh-inning stretch is Seigfried & Roy turning their tigers loose to chase Wayne Newton.”
Comedy guy Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver: “I knew Vegas wasn't a real hockey town when they didn't boo Gary Bettman.”
From my cynical friend Bobby the Brat: “Alek Manoah of the Blue Jays is going to the all-star game; he’s the pitcher for the Home Run Derby.”
Headline at fark.com: “Negotiations between the 76ers and James Harden are reportedly heating up over who gets to keep his facial hair.”
Jack Finarelli at his website sportscurmudgeon.com, on a proposed NBA in-season tournament helping to spike interest in the playoffs: “Hey, it could happen — just as it could happen that next year’s Kentucky Derby winner will be a latter-day Mr. Ed and give his own interviews after the race.”
Thomas Carrieri on Twitter: “Barry Bonds was so dominant he once got internationally walked during a Home Run Derby.”
RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Victor Wembanyama is actually seven feet, three inches, in height. Tall, but well short of all the surrounding hype.”
Headline at the onion.com: “Bears GM Focused On Drafting Players Who Can Help Justin Fields Up After Sack”
RJ Currie again: “Russian Olympic high-jumper Anna Chicherova said she’s shocked at her most recent failed doping test. Not as shocked as the stadium crowd after she cleared the left-field bleachers.”
Sign displayed by a Mariners’ fan at a Blue Jays’ game in Seattle, aimed at all the Canadian fans in attendance: “Stanley Cup champions since ’94: USA 29, Canada 0”
Steve Simmons of SunMedia, on the $360 million six-year contract signed by Jaylen Brown of Boston Celtics: “Jaylen Brown will be paid more than the Canadian Football League next season.”
Another onion.com headline: “Deshaun Watson: ‘I’ve Learned From My Mistake Of Using My Own Name At Massage Parlors’
Jon Greenberg of The Athletic, on the baseball fight between Cleveland’s Jose Ramirez and Tim Anderson of the White Sox, the latter being a one-punch loser: “(Anderson) should get seven games for starting it and another seven for losing. That’ll teach him to square up like he’s Sonny Liston.”
Headline at fark.com, after a Billy Walters’ book detailed excessive gambling habits of Phil Mickelson: “Found out why Lefty wanted that LIV money”
Brendan Porath of The Fried Egg on the PGA Tour’s ‘designated’ events now being called ‘signature’ events: “So we’re continuing to work our way through the entire thesaurus to find a word that will suggest that some events are more important than others.”
LIV-bashing English pro golfer Eddie Pepperell, on Twitter, after Harold Varner III said it was easier to win on the PGA Tour than on LIV: “Unlike money, brains aren’t in abundance on LIV.”
RJ Currie again: “The city council in Jerez de la Frontera, Spain, discovered two employees had been collecting roughly two years of pay without working. ‘That’s a bad thing?’ asked Randy Moss.”
German tennis pro Alexander Zverev on the scent of marijuana at the U.S. Open: “(Court 17) smells like weed. It definitely smells like Snoop Dogg’s living room.”
Steve Simmons of SunMedia again, on the Braves’ Ronald Acuna, with 60-plus stolen bases, getting married on the day of a game in Los Angeles: “Apparently, no one has ever walked down the aisle faster.”
And from the website onelinefun.com: “Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.”
Headline at theonion.com: “FanDuel Promo Offers Complimentary $100 Bet To First-Time Gambling Addiction Hotline Callers”
Richard Deitsch of The Athletic, obviously not a fan of Urban Meyer, former football coach and a member of the Fox Big Noon Kickoff panel: “As for Urban Meyer, well, if Meyer told me it was sunny, I would start looking for snow tires.”
Comedy writer Gary Bachman, who noted that the Jets’ injured quarterback has hosted televised game shows in the past: “Aaron Rodgers’ future may be in Jeopardy.”
NBA all-star and renowned bad golfer, Charles Barkley, telling a friend he liked his Nike clubs: “Yeah, one of the other big companies is paying me a lot of money not to use theirs.”
Headline on yahoo.com, in the midst of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kielce relationship noise: “Taylor Swift visits friend at work.”
Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “Am I the only person in this miserable nation who doesn't care that Taylor Swift was at the Kansas City Chiefs game and that she has been romantically linked to Andy Reid?”
Super 70s Sports, on Twitter: “It’s going to be interesting explaining to someone why Pete Rose isn’t in the Hall of Fame when we inevitably end up at the 2040 DraftKings Hall of Fame Induction Weekend Presented by FanDuel.”
Former Florida State coach Bobby Bowden about one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Found on Facebook: Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson on his future: “I might fade into Bolivian.”
Mark Lazerus of the Athletic, on Connor Bedard playing in the NHL at age 18: “What is he going to do on an off-night in Las Vegas this month? Go to the M and M’s store?”
Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “Before rolling your eyes at the proposed inclusion of flag football at the 2028 Summer Olympics, keep in mind that the ’24 Paris Games will introduce breakdancing as a medal sport. Now you can roll your eyes.”
Oilers TV host Gene Principe of Sportsnet, showing off some food fare from Nashville that included one of 11 types of hot dogs and having the meat slip off his plate onto the floor. “Oh, I’m a loser. Not a wiener. But to be frank, they’re pretty good.”
Headline at the onion.com: “Victor Wembanyama Admits He's A Little Overwhelmed By Speed, Intensity Of NBA Groupies”
TV broadcaster and former NBA star Charles Barkley, on Memphis Grizzlies’ Ja Morant getting suspended for being caught in public with a gun and then having another gun-related video circulate two months later: “Kid can’t be that stupid … he’s getting paid close to $100 million and the only thing you have to do is don’t be a fool. Just play basketball. Ain‘t like it’s a real job….all you have to do is dribble a stupid basketball and stay out of trouble.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, who has an issue with NFL officiating: “Apparently NFL refs want pass rushers to pick up and cradle quarterbacks and put them down gently like a sleeping baby.”
From the Canadian parody website The Beaverton: “Oilers struggles blamed on carbon tax.”
RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Last week I had cardiac failure, was in ICU, had 2.5 litres of fluid and blood drained from a lung, was intubated and close to death. Even I looked better than the Argos did in their playoff game.”
From a guy who goes by @Bazecraze: “The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.”
Super 70s Sports again, on how NFL teams often misjudge quarterbacks on draft day: “The Panthers are looking at their Bryce Young receipt and still on hold with customer service.”
Jack Finarelli again, at sportscurmudgeon.com, previewing the Panthers-Titans game on U.S. Thanksgiving weekend: “Give thanks if you are in a part of the country where this game will not be shown in your viewing area.”
Vic Tafur of the Athletic, suggesting Bill Belichick of the Patriots delays his choice of starting QB just because he wants to put it off as long as possible: “It’s like choosing to down a pint of prune juice or watch a Hallmark movie.”
Headline on The Beaverton: “Ottawa radio station still waiting for first caller to claim free Sens tickets.”
Another one from Jack Finarelli, quoting a long retired NFL player, Alex Karras: “I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca