Growing Through Grief: All the Firsts
By Angela Clement
One of the toughest things I have found in dealing with my grief is facing all the firsts. When people talked about the firsts, I don’t think I ever really understood. I have had losses in my life before but nothing was to prepare me for the loss of my husband, my best friend of 35 years and having to experience all of the change.
There have been lots of firsts in the past 8+ months. The first Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthday, etc. It’s not just all the holidays or special days either. It’s the first time you eat in a restaurant alone, camp alone, travel alone, walk alone, sleep alone, or buy groceries alone. Just imagine now that every single one of those firsts have their own plethora of thoughts and emotions attached to them. It is actually overwhelming and exhausting.
Why is there such a big deal made about all the firsts? Well I find myself trying to figure out what to do with that day, moment, experience going forward. You realize you can’t celebrate it the way you did before because it won’t ever be the same. You can’t ignore the fact that your loved one is not there but it’s difficult to acknowledge or express that they are gone. Part of you can’t figure out why everyone else is just going ahead and celebrating while you can barely comprehend making it through the day. The firsts are the most uprooting, complex, incomprehensible, gut wrenching experiences I have ever had to endure. As part of your grief, you feel it over and over again for as long as it takes to experience all these things at least once. There is always something that is going to come up emotionally. I tell you this because I think we all need to understand the challenge. It is real. I must also tell you that people do grow through it and I know many that have transformed their lives through what seems like insurmountable pain. How do they do it?
To transform the pain I have learned that you have to face the firsts head on. Some firsts you can see coming and you can plan for them and some will surprise you. When the emotions well up inside, try not to resist. You must feel it, be patient with it and sit with it. Sometimes you will try to get super busy. That’s not the answer long term as it just masks the pain. Sometimes you ignore it or push it down. That will not work. It is like holding a beachball under the water. After a while it will fly up in your face. I find the best is to surrender to it. I cry, write, draw, talk, listen to music, punch a pillow, run or walk. I feel all of the emotion for as long as needed. I suggest making a point to grieve. Make the time sacred. Letting go of resistance will allow you to feel better. Eventually you will begin to recognize when your emotions are building and you will find ways to release.
After releasing the emotion, it’s important to fill that gap left from your release. Find things you love to do, things you can look forward to or things you can do to help others. Seek things that give you purpose. These things will fill the emptiness. If you can’t think of anything that you love, try remembering what you loved to do as a kid and see if you can rekindle what lights you up inside.
When you let go of the pain, you also give yourself room to feel more of the essence of your loved one which will actually bring you towards a stronger, more honoring, loving connection with them. Hope for a new joyful life will emerge as you are able to navigate the gap between the world before your loss and the world after. Make commitments to the future. You will never forget your loved one and they will always be there loving you through all of your firsts and beyond as you continue along your new journey.
You can reach Angela at aclementvm@gmail.com