Growing Through Grief: Loneliness
By Angela Clement
There are times in grief where you just feel lonely. There are many suggestions and advice out there for combating loneliness. It is suggested that you contact your friends or family and go out, join a club, get a pet or find a hobby. These are all great suggestions and they do help to a point but at the end of the day you have to go back home and you just want your person. Also, there is such a thing as being with others and still feeling lonely. I have had that happen when you just don’t feel a part of the conversation. Sometimes you just can’t relate.
When you go from having someone with you every day to just being by yourself it just does not sit right. Blaine and I were inseparable and with him gone I have had to learn to live alone. Some days were okay and some days were not. I think I missed him the most when I was just hanging out with not much pressing to do. You know when you are just unwinding and you don’t really feel like starting some kind of project or doing anything productive. There are always lots of things a person could do but what if you don’t feel like doing any of it? That is precisely when I found myself feel alone. As Brian Hartzman said in our conversation around grief ‘I just miss someone to do nothing with.’ That pretty much sums it up. Feeling lonely is a normal part of grief. Unfortunately knowing that doesn’t fix it either.
So what does one do? Many of us will try eating, drinking, watching tv, scrolling through Facebook, etc. These are all helpful in the short term but when it comes down to it they are just ways of numbing. When I was brave enough to gently and lovingly allow myself to sit with my lonely feelings I found eventually I would find relief. It is your inner knowing that guides you back to joy, peace and happiness. Sometimes we are tired and need sleep. Sometimes we need a walk in nature. Sometimes a hot bath and a warm cup of tea and a cry are what you need. Sitting in silence and listening to our bodies and our thoughts can give us clues to the root of our misery. We just have to be patient and open to listen. It always feels like we need to do something about our feelings but sometimes we just need to be with them and acknowledge that they are there. After I have sat with my feelings a while I will often write down my thoughts. It is amazing how that helps to release things further.
I am not saying this is easy. It most certainly is not! It feels like you will never recover and that your heart will simply break in two. It helps to have someone you can talk to about these things. I had a grief coach and she guided me though. I had to build a lot of courage to go to her. I wanted help but I wasn’t really sure how talking to someone about it was going to help. The thing is, when someone else can hear your thoughts they can reflect them back to you in a way that you can see them for what they are…just thoughts. We get to choose our thoughts and that, my friends, is powerful. It’s about having someone who you can talk to without reservation, someone you feel comfortable with and trust. Someone that doesn’t have any connection to you so you can just be yourself and say what you truly are thinking. How does that help? Well when you do that, they can acknowledge what you are feeling, help you see your thoughts from a different perspective and gently open you up to possibilities that are within your control.
You don’t have to stay lonely. There are tools out there to help you through these feelings and you truly can get back to happiness and joy. There is happiness, peace, love and even excitement on the other side. Please know that it is possible. You got this.