Penton: Year in Review: Chuckles Everywhere

By Bruce Penton

Best of 2021: A selection of the top quips, quotes and anecdotes from the first six months of the year:

• English pro golfer Eddie Pepperell, on Twitter, prior to a December tournament in Dubai: “I’m trialing a 48-inch driver this week so if you’re the owner of any property at Jumeirah, board it up.”

• Gary Bachman, via Facebook, after Anthony Davis spent part of the Lakers’ final preseason game trimming his toenails on the bench: “Perhaps he should be traded to the Clippers.”

• The late Ed Chynoweth, president of the Western Hockey League, musing about resigning in the 1970s, as detailed in Gregg Drinnan’s excellent history of the WHL “It is starting to bother me that all my friends in Saskatoon are going to the airport to take flights out for winter holidays. I go to the airport and fly to Flin Flon.”

• ESPN broadcaster Dave Pasch, to NBCsports.com, on calling college-football games remotely from home because of COVID-19 restrictions: “At least I don’t have to wait in line for the bathroom at halftime.”

• Patti Dawn Swansson, aka the River City Renegade: “It’s going to be weird seeing Zdeno Chara in Washington Capitals garb this winter. It’ll be kind of like Pope Francis holding mass in Wrangler jeans, Tony Lama snake skin boots and a Stetson instead of his robe and pointy hat.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on rumours the moribund Lions might be looking to trade QB Matthew Stafford: “I do not know if (Detroit) fans should be thrilled about that or not, but I think Matthew Stafford should be elated.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The Tampa Bay-New Orleans playoff game featured quarterbacks Tom Brady and Drew Brees, aged 43 and 42 respectively. You (could have placed) a bet in Las Vegas on which one is the first one to walk into the huddle and say, ‘Now why did I come in here?’

• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “A spicy peanut butter six times hotter than the strongest chili was being sold in England under the label Instant Regret. No, wait — that may be the name of a new Jacksonville Jaguars season ticket package.”

• Kaseberg again: “O.J. Simpson just posted a video of him getting the COVID-19 vaccination. Apparently priority is given to double-murderers over the age of 72.”

• Another one from Patti Dawn Swansson, on the person who took a post-fight swing at Mike Tyson while the former champ was signing autographs following his recent fight with Roy Jones Jr.: “No arrests have been made, but police are searching for a man who’s lost his mind.”

• Jay Busbee of Yahoo Sports, on the scrambling required by the two Super Bowl quarterbacks: (Patrick) Mahomes was running for his life, while (Tom) Brady had time to make himself a sandwich.”

• Kaseberg again: “Not to say Tom Brady is getting up there, but when they asked, ‘Tom Brady, you just won the Super Bowl. Where are you going now?’ Brady said, ‘Leave me alone, Jeopardy is on.’”

• RJ Currie again: “An ESPN talking head called one of Rob Gronkowski’s nightclub partying videos, ‘Just a man living the American dream.’ Which in Gronk’s case appears to be life, liberty and the pursuit of happy hour.”

• Swansson again, on Mike Babcock returning to his roots by agreeing to be head coach of the University of Saskatchewan Huskies: “How fitting that an old-school coach would return to his old school.”

• Bucs QB Tom Brady, 43, when chubby 42-year-old CBS ‘Late Late Show’ host James Corden asked if Corden could be drafted into the NFL: “You might be able to play for the Jets.”

• Bruce Arthur of the Toronto Star, on Twitter: “Curling observation: Kevin Koe, whether winning or losing, often looks like he’s wondering if he left the stove on.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, on the Rover’s search for water on Mars: “They should’ve sent me there with my golf clubs. I’d have found water by my third tee shot.”

• Currie again: “A brawl reportedly broke out at a New Hampshire retirement centre during a bingo game. It looked like a hockey fight, except with more teeth.”

• Posted on the Lethbridge Hurricanes’ scoreboard during a fan-less hockey game: “Free beer for all in attendance.”

• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Gov. Greg Abbott has lifted all COVID-19 restrictions in the Lone Star State, meaning the Texas Rangers’ home opener might be a sellout. The rules there are now so lenient that even catcher’s masks aren’t mandatory.”

• Headline at Fark.com: “NFL owners approve increased profits for NFL owners.”

• Patti Dawn Swansson again, on squeaky-clean Edmonton Oilers star Connor McDavid getting fined $5,000 for elbowing an opponent in the face: “I couldn’t have been more surprised had I found a copy of ‘Sinatra: The Rapper Years’ at my local vinyl store.”

• Doug Robinson of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, not looking forward to Zach Wilson’s possible NFL-draft destiny: “The Jets are to quarterbacks what Larry King was to marriage.”

• Steve Simmons of SunMedia, on the apparent grumpiness of a certain NHLer: “If Jeff Carter walks into a restaurant in Pittsburgh late in the afternoon do they cancel happy hour?”

• Another one from RJ Currie: “MLB hired former WWE ‘sizzle planner’ Brian Stedman for league strategy and development. Soon, instead of a manager sitting a pitcher down, he’ll come out and hit him with a chair.”

• Young fan’s sign at a Cubs game: “Shhhhhh! I’m remote learning.”

• Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com, on CDC guidelines now saying people can be outside without a mask if they’re not in a crowd: “So Marlins fans should be fine.”

• Ryan French, who runs the Monday Q Info Twitter feed, on Monday qualifying for a PGA Tour event: “It’s like going in a free-throw contest to play for the Lakers.”

• One more from Swansson: “You’ve heard of the Gordie Howe hat trick, we now have the Phil Kessel hat trick: 900 points, 900 consecutive games, 900 hot dogs.”

• Jack Finarelli again, on proposals to allow even more instant-replay reviews in college basketball: “We need this as much as Olympic swimming events need lifeguards.”

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Colin Kaepernick still unable to find employment in the NFL: “Good lord. Spouse-beaters, serial druggies, team cancers, dog killers — all are welcome in the NFL! But if you quietly take a knee, God will wreak vengeance on your team!”

• Alex Kaseberg again: “MLB has had six no-hitters already. Normally they only have two no-hitters a year and sometimes none. Who would have guessed a symptom of COVID-19 would be batters hitting like one of the Kardashian sisters?”

• Another one from Steve Simmons, on double threat Shohei Ohtani of baseball’s Los Angeles Angels: “In simpler Toronto terms, he is Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and Hyun-jin Ryu all in one person.”

• Dwight Perry again: “Browns running back Nick Chubb will soon have his own breakfast cereal, called ‘Chubb Crunch.’ Some other possibilities: Ricky Williams: Weedies; Sidney Crosby: ForeChex; Philadelphia fans: Jeerios.”

• Headline at fark.com: “Minnesota catcher needed surgery after a foul tip into the Twins.”

• Alex Meyers of Golf Digest, on Jon Rahm being told greenside that he had tested positive for COVID-19 and was out of the Memorial tournament: “The leader in the clubhouse was no longer even welcome in the clubhouse.”

• Mike Whan, incoming USGA executive director, who is a fan of the use of range finders in the pro game: “There is nothing worse on TV than watching a golfer and caddie do arithmetic.”

Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca