Dad jokes to get ready for Father's Day
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery… I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.”
People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.