Funny Stories: A man walks into a bar

A man goes up to Professor X and says he’d like to join the X-Men. “Sure,” Professor X says. “What’s your ability?” “I have perfect hindsight,” the man says. Professor X frowns. “I really don’t think that’s going to help us much.” “Yeah,” the man replies, “I can see that now.”

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A dog wanders into the jungle. A lion spots him but has never seen a dog before. But the lion wants to know what this new creature tastes like, so he charges at the dog. The dog panics, but then sees some lion bones next to him. So the dog loudly says, “That was one delicious lion!” The lion quickly stops. “Wow, this creature is a bigger threat than I thought!” But a monkey high in the trees saw everything and, wanting to curry some favor with the king of the jungle, tells the lion what he saw. The lion is outraged and starts to charge the dog again. But the dog saw the monkey talking to the lion and figured out what happened. So the dog loudly asks, “Where the heck is that monkey with the second lion he promised me?”

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A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring a dog in here!” The man replies, “But this dog can talk!” The bartender is skeptical but decides to humor the man. “Okay,” he says, “let’s hear what the dog has to say.” The man asks the dog, “What’s on top of a house?” The dog replies, “Roof!” The bartender is unimpressed and says, “That’s not talking, that’s just barking.” The man tries again. “Okay, what’s sandpaper like?” The dog replies, “Ruff!” The bartender is even less impressed and says, “That’s still not talking.” The man tries one more time. “Okay, who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?” The dog replies, “Ruth!” The bartender has had enough and kicks them both out. As they’re walking away, the dog turns to the man and says, “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?”