Funny Stories: BEAR WARNING
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They’re urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzly Bear dung.
Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it. Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
‘Tell me, ‘said the passer-by, ‘What on earth are you doing?’
‘Well, ‘said the digger, ‘Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.
Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn’t mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?’
Father O’ Malley answers the phone.
‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is’
‘This is the Internal Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?’
‘I can.’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, “What does ‘hybrid pulse D/A converter’ mean?”
“That means”, he said, “that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.”
“In other words this CD player plays CDs.”
“Exactly.”
The business I work for had a dinner together with all family members. Before the first speech, the emcee gave the following announcement, “we kindly ask if you can please put all cell phones and children on vibrate.”
Why do people who can’t pay their credit card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?
Why is it that people who aren’t on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?
Why is it that men who haven’t had a date in six months know what women really want?