Funny Business: Red Shirt

There’s this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow’s nest, “Captain! Captain! There’s two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?”

And the captain, he says, “Bring me my red shirt.”

So they bring him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads his men into battle. It’s difficult, and there are a number of casualties, but they manage to beat back the pirates. That evening, after the survivors have gotten themselves bandaged up, they ask the captain why he called for his red shirt.

He says, “Because if I’m wounded and bleeding, I wouldn’t want the sight of my blood to destroy the morale of my men. But if I’m wearing my red shirt, no one will see it.”

Well, the crew thought, “Wow. What a captain.”

So the next day, another shout, even more worried, comes down from the crow’s nest. And the lookout says, “Captain, my captain! There’s ten pirate ships heading our way, and they mean to board us! What should we do?”

The frightened crew turns to their captain, but he doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t hesitate. And he calls out, “Bring me . . . my brown pants!”